


The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin

by forever_falln



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Gay Hockey Club TM, M/M, Set Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2018-12-23 12:23:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11989722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forever_falln/pseuds/forever_falln
Summary: Facebook group chat for LGBTQ hockey players gets derailed by Tyler Seguin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure fiction. Please don't read if you know these people and/or are them.  
> This is just for fun.  
> Can't really tag everything but if there is anything else you think I should add let me know or if you spot any typos - this is unbeta'd.  
> This is my first fic in this fandom so be kind.

**The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin**

_Tyler Seguin changed the name of the group to 'The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin'_   
_Tyler Seguin set nicknames for the group_   
_Tyler Seguin changed the group photo_

**Toes:** What the fuck Tyler?  
**Babe:** Really, the duck? Classy as ever Segs.  
**Toes:** Fuck, who's even in this group?  
**Mitchy:** Click on the group title and it'll tell you. Less awkward than asking for intros.  
**Babe:** Grandpa  
**Toes:** Fuck off. I thought this was supposed to be some sort of support group for LGBT(etc) hockey players?  
**Tyler Seguin:** Same difference, ey!  
**Toes:** Maybe some of the guys might not have wanted to be outed like this mate.  
**Mr Crosby:** You did ask right, Tyler?  
**Tyler Seguin:** Yes sir! I'm not that kind of an asshole.

_Toes has added Kaner to the group The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin_   
_Toes has changed Tyler Seguin's nickname to Asshole_

**Asshole:** Very mature Captain Serious  
**Kaner:** Guess I'm the odd one out then?  
**Asshole:** Jealous much? You had every opportunity in Biel.  
**Toes:** Hands off, asshole. I don't share.  
**Mr Crosby:** Settle down you two. The point of this was so that we had a forum to offer support to each other and especially the younger guys.  
**Babe:** Not to start fights about who's fucked who.  
**Asshole:** But just to be clear...  
**Mitchy:** So you guys started this just for me? Aww  <3  
**Asshole:** Fuck you, I'm still young!  
**Babe:** Me too!  
**Mitchy:** Whatever you want to tell yourselves. Embrace the wrinkles.  
**Asshole:** You went there.  
**Kaner:** I can't tell if you're pissed he mentioned your crows feet or pointing out he hit that.  
**Mr Crosby:** Children *eyeroll emoji*  
**Asshole:** Just because you're the oldie  
**Mitchy:** #daddy  
**Babe:** Mitch no!  
**Asshole:** Mitch yes!  
**Giroux:** You're the one who called him Mr Crosby when you first played with him in Prague  
**Asshole:** Nooo, don't betray me G!

_Babe added Tyson Barrie to the group The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin_

**Barrie:** Dude had legit no chill. Didn't hide it very well.  
**Asshole:** Whatever.  
**Kaner:** Are we just ignoring the fact that Giroux is in this group?  
**Mitchy:** We told you to check the members.  
**Kaner:** Dude's engaged, to a woman...  
**Mitchy:** Don't bi-shame, man. Not cool.  
**Kaner:** But Tyler's got to be the only guy to do both Giroux and Crosby right?  
**Giroux:** Yup.  
**Mr Crosby:** Do we have to talk about this?  
**Asshole:** It's important to break down the barriers that prevent people talking about our issues.  
**Toes:** He's got you there Sid. You did say that.  
**Babe:** Did you guys have some sort of planning meeting?  
**Asshole:** We skyped.  
**Babe:** Just the three of you? I can see Tazer and Crosby setting up this crusade by we've established Tyler isn't exactly the mature type...  
**Asshole:** Rude  
**Mitchy:** I assume they needed Tyler for the contacts  
**Asshole:** Are you slut shaming me? You wound me.  
**Mitchy:** No shame, bro  
**Mr Crosby:** Mitch, if you know any guys who would benefit from a forum, however polluted, where they can talk to guys who might get what they are going through feel free to add them.

_Mitchy added McJesus and Stromer to the group The Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin_   
_Toes changed the name of the group to 'The Not Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin'_

**Asshole:** Rude  
**Stromer:** What even is this group Mitchy? Is this a prank?  
**Mr Crosby:** We wanted to create a group where members of the LGBTQ community within the NHL had the opportunity to converse and support each other especially for the younger players coming into the NHL.

_Mr Crosby has changed Asshole's nickname to Tyler Seguin_   
_Stomer has changed McJesus' nickname to Davo_

**Stromer:** I'm not even in the NHL  
**Mitchy:** Yet  
**Stromer:** Just to be clear this isn't some elaborate joke Mitch is playing on me?  
**Mr Crosby:** No  
**Tyler Seguin:** No  
**Toes:** No  
**Giroux:** No  
**Babe:** No  
**Tyson Barrie:** No  
**Kaner:** No  
**Stromer:** Well shit. I don't really feel qualified to be in the group.  
**Mitchy:** You definitely are.  
**Davo:** I can second that.  
**Stromer:** Fuck you all.  
**Stromer:** Sorry, to be clear just fuck Mitchy and Davo.  
**Stromer:** Not like that. Fuck. Sorry, just, sorry.  
**Kaner:** Fucking Canadians never stop apologising.  
**Stromer:** This is so surreal.  
**Davo:** So I mean, what are the intentions here? Is it just support?  
**Tyler Seguin:** Hook up forum?  
**Mr Crosby:** Don't listen to him. It's whatever people want it to be. At first, yes, we considered it as a support mechanism. We realised, partly through Tyler, that there were probably more of us than we realised and that we could perhaps help people feel less alone and prevent some of the struggles us older guys have gone through.  
**Davo:** So no one has plans to come out?  
**Kaner:** Maybe.  
**Toes:** ?  
**Babe:** I probably will before I retire.  
**Tyson Barrie:** Yeah?  
**Babe:** Yeah.  
**Tyson Barrie:** Cool *sunglasses emoji*  
**Tyler Seguin:** Not me! It's Dallas you know. We don't even have a pride night. But I'd like to maybe help people cope a little better than I did, you know.  
**Mr Crosby:** Everyone thinks it should've been me, huh?  
**Tyler Seguin:** No one said that.  
**Mr Crosby:** Doesn't mean they're not thinking it. I just don't think it should matter, gay, straight, bi, whatever. People are entitled to their privacy in their personal lives and I never wanted it to be a announcement. I think if I had a relationship I would want to be able to be with out with them so yeah, then maybe. But I don't feel like I owe that to the whole NHL. That's just asking too much. If you want to take that on Connor then I applaud you. However I would caution you that it may well take more of a toll than you might realise.  
**Tyler Seguin:** Yes sir!  
**Babe:** Aye, aye Captain Canada.  
**Kaner:** Not even your Captain.  
**Davo:** That's cool man. I don't think I'm there yet. I wasn't trying to imply anything. Sometimes I worry that I owe it to gay kids to let them know they have a role model too but I don't want to be just the 'gay hockey player'. I want cups.  
**Babe:** Welcome to the club.  
**Giroux:** Jinx  
**Tyler Seguin:** I want another one. In Dallas, for real you know. It doesn't really count in your rookie year.  
**Giroux:** Fuck you.  
**Kaner:** I could do with more. Tazer secretly really wants to finish with more cups than Sid.  
**Toes:** Don't listen to him.  
**Mr Crosby:** Not fair, I only just levelled the game!  
**Toes:** *tongue out emoji*  
**Mitchy:** I thought I was the child?  
**Toes:** You're so going to regret the daddy thing when you meet Sid and I'm never going to let you forget it.  
**Mitchy:** Rude  
**Tyler Seguin:** I think you should be my prodigy Mitchy. I will teach you everything I know.  
**Mitchy:** Maybe let me handle twitter?  
**Toes:** Touche  
**Tyler Seguin:** You know you want my skills of seduction. Just look at the list!  
**Toes:** Do you expect us to be impressed?  
**Tyler Seguin:** Dude, you were difficult! I had to legit work hard!  
**Toes:** #worthit  
**Mr Crosby:** To be fair, I was pretty easy *smiley face emoji*  
**Mitchy:** Me too *high five emoji*  
**Stromer:** Is initiation to this club fucking Tyler Seguin?  
**Kaner:** Not if you don't want it to be *winky face emoji*  
**Tyler Seguin:** Can't tell if you think this is good or bad thing...  
**Davo:** *cough cough*  
**Stromer:** Nevermind. Still not sure this is real.

_Tyler Seguin added Jamie Benn to the group The Not Very Exclusive Harem of Tyler Seguin_

**Babe:** *wide eye emoji*  
**Mitchy:** Guys, guys, look cool, this is not a drill  
**Tyler Seguin:** No chill  
**Mr Crosby:** Hi Jamie! I hope Tyler explained this group to you and didn't just add you out of the blue?  
**Benny:** Yeah, er, he said it was for guys like me, you know gay hockey players to talk and stuff  
**Toes:** Welcome  
**Benny:** Seriously Tyler, everyone in this group?  
**Tyler Seguin:** Not anymore! I didn't screw the entire 2015 draft class!  
**Mitchy:** I'm special  
**Benny** : And here I thought I was special *winky face emoji*  
**Mitchy:** #otp

**Babe:** So I did a thing  www.theplayerstribune.com/gabe-landeskog-coming-out/  
**Tyler Seguin:** Holy shit!  
**Mitchy:** Shit! What do we do, do we follow? We don't have a plan for this!  
**Mr Crosby:** www.theplayerstribune.com/sidney-crosby-being-gay-in-the-nhl  
**Stromer:** Really, Mitchy. On twitter?  
**Mitchy** : Well I didn't have time to write a nicely thought out article  
**Davo:** So you went with me too?  
**Mitchy:** Worked didn't it? Toews and Kane took my lead *100 emoji*  
**Davo:** Well if everyone else is  
**Stromer:** Yass  
**Toes:** And to think all this came about because of Tyler Seguin's promiscuity  
**Tyler Seguin:** Did I just get called a slut again?  
**Mr Crosby:** In a nice way, like for the good of hockey


	2. The Wedding of the Century

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler creates a new group to announce his retirement from the ho life

_Tyler Seguin has added you to the group The Wedding of the Century_

_Tyler Seguin set nicknames for the group_

_Tyler Seguin changed the group photo_

 

Future Mr. Benn: Yes you are reading that correctly. I am settling down. I am off the market. I am retiring from the ho life and cashing in my frequent fucker miles. The legend that is Jamie Benn has converted me to monogamy. Your misery is understandable.

Mitchy: Is this a joke? 

Kaner: Like your wedding could be better than mine.

Toes: Ours, fucker

Babe: Dude yours was cold as fuck. Who gets married in Chicago, in winter? Why would you not wait until the offseason?

Kaner: You made us go to Sweden Gabe. Sweden. It was so far away.

Toes: Fucker

Future Mr. Benn: Guys, focus. I'm getting _married._

Kaner: Is it gonna be in Dallas because that shit is hot as balls?

Toes: Fucker

Future Mr. Benn: No, it's in Victoria and it's in the off-season, not during camp, so none of you fuckers have any excuse not to be there. It's in a garden. It's going to be romantic as fuck.

Hubs: _Tyler._

Future Mr. Benn: What?

Hubs: I told you to _invite_ the guys. We paid for really nice invitations you could have sent them.

Mitchy: That would be a level of classy Tyler could only aspire to.

Future Mr. Benn: It's only the guys from the group. I sent invites to the rest of the guys on the list.

 

Stromer: Segs, you betraying the GTA massive tho, bro?

Davo: Dear god, I apologise. I thought I had him trained better.

Mitchy:  

Future Mr. Benn: Urgh, there's no way we could keep it low key in GTA man. So unless I wanted to share my wedding with the entire Toronto media, then no.

Toes: You mean Benn didn't want his wedding to become a media circus?

Kaner: Probably means Tyler has something ridiculous planned.

Future Mr. Benn: Wedding of the century boys!

Kaner: Ours was pretty boring.

Toes: Fucker. I didn't hear you complaining.

Kaner: Sign of my maturity that I wouldn't really want a Seguin special for my wedding.

Babe: I don't want to think what a Seguin special is.

Future Mr. Benn: You know 

Barrie: Why would that even have been at Kazer's wedding? That makes no sense Segs.

Future Mr. Benn: You jelly?

Barrie: Don't need to be 

Hubs: Just so you know it's kid friendly so feel free to bring Freja along but we understand if you want the weekend off too.

Mitchy: Seriously though Ty, you've landed yourself a good one there. Don't know what he sees in you.

Future Mr. Benn: Bomb dick, you know. Locking that shit down.

Babe: I mean you were good Segs I'll admit that but not the best I've ever had.

Future Mr. Benn: 

Barrie: Maybe I'm just _that_ good.

Future Mr. Benn: Well it is better with feels so I'll give you a pass on that one.

Kaner: Aww, Tyler's gotten soft on us boys

Future Mr. Benn: That's never been _my_ problem Kaner.

Toes: Fucker

 

 

Davo: Real talk though, I thought you weren't coming out?

Mitchy: Yeah Davo, real talk. Always bring the group down talking about serious stuff. Boo!

Stromer: Urgh, I apologise, I thought I'd fucked it out of him

Future Mr. Benn: Weeelllllll... you see the thing is, like all you guys came out and it was a little shit for a while but now it's just like a thing.

Toes: So you just needed us as a safety blanket?

Hubs: Dallas isn't Chicago, man. I love the place but we both know things are going to be rough. We are the only team that had protestors outside the arena when any of you came into town. Imagine that when it's for us, every game. 

Toes: So what's changed? 

Hubs: We shouldn't have to live in fear. We love each other and when we realised we wanted to get married we knew we couldn't hide that anymore. 

Future Mr. Benn: And like most the team already knows anyway so we figured we might as well.

Kaner: Well you're not exactly subtle. Half the internet thought you two were fucking when you were just pining and fucking half the NHL.

Toes: He's still bitter. I'm over it.

Kaner: I'm not bitter.

Barrie: So you more annoyed that Tyler never fucked you or that he fucked Johnny?

Kaner: No comment

Toes: Fucker

 

Mitchy: Question?

Future Mr. Benn: Yes Mitchy?

Mitchy: Do we get a plus one?

Stromer: 

Davo:

Future Mr. Benn: 

Hubs: Mitch, do you want a plus one?

Mitchy: Yes please 

Kaner: Who?

Hubs: Ignore them Mitch

Future Mr. Benn: But we legitimately need to know for the place settings!

Stromer: Come on Marns, don't be shy!

Davo: We've got money on this, don't let Stromer win.

Stromer: Don't make us guess...

Davo: Yeah Marns, don't leave us hanging

Stromer: Come on, we all know who it is...

Davo: We'll find out on the day anyway

Stromer: 

Davo: 

Mitchy: Children

Stromer: I think he's younger #daddy

Kaner: I'm guessing that I won't be the only American one...

Toes: You're from Buffalo, that's basically Canada anyway... I'm thinking somewhere sunnier...

Babe: I hear he might have played in Europe once...

Barrie: Didn't he win the Calder?

Kaner: It's not me, I swear!

Toes: Fucker, he won the Calder this decade

 

_Mitchy has added Auston Matthews to the group The Wedding of the Century_

_Mitchy has changed Auston Matthews' nickname to Matts_

 

Mr Crosby: Welcome Auston. I hope you didn't let these guys pressure you into being added to the group. You know Mitch you could have added him to the main group if you wanted.

Kaner: Dude have you been lurking here the entire time?

Toes: Fucker

Future Mr. Benn: It makes me super uncomfortable that you speak to Sid like that. I think you should apologise to Canada.

Babe: Or to Sid. Same thing right?

Toes: Fuck all of you

Babe: Didn't Tyler already do that? Eyyyyy!!!!

Barrie: SMH

Hubs: At this point it's only like 50%

Kaner: As American ambassador in this group, I will take over from Crosby for this one. Welcome Auston to the Big Gay Hockey club. Fucking Tyler Seguin is no longer required for membership. Congrats on getting with Marns and God Bless the United States of America.

Matts: Thanks, I guess. And congrats Tyler and Jamie.

Future Mr. Benn: Thank you Auston. You know, I think you're actually the first person to say that.

Toes: Fuckers

 

Future Mr. Benn: For reals though I need to know how many of you guys are going to be there.

Babe: Count us in!

Barrie: My mum is going to have Freja though so it'll just be the two of us

Stromer: McStrome will be there, fo' sho'

Mitchy: Sucks we don't have an adorable ship name but Matts and I will definitely be there

Mr Crosby: I'll be there.

G: Me too, I'll bring Ryanne as well if that's okay

Toes: I'll come if someone can babysit Kaner for me...

Kaner: Fucker

 

Mitchy: Okay, but like are you doing separate stag do's?

Babe: Well obviously... You, Strome and Kane will get alcohol poisoning with Segs and do something stupid on twitter whilst the rest of us serious adults will probably get a round of golf in then poker, cigars and whiskey

Future Mr. Benn: You are seriously overestimating Bennie's class

Hubs: Switch the whiskey for decent beer and we've got a deal

Babe: Done

Kaner: Not sure I'd survive Segs' stag do. I'm old and married now. I may have to graduate to the boring group.

Toes: Fucker

 

Mitchy: Okay but like are you actually going to take his name cos like Kaner and Tyson didn't.

Kaner: Dickhead could have taken my name! At least people can say my name.

Toes: Fucker

Barrie: We thought about double-barrelling it but I didn't think it would fit on the shirt.

Babe: Freja is a Landeskog-Barrie though.

Hubs: Tyler's mainly just joking with the nickname

Future Mr. Benn: A little bit not joking

Hubs: Really? I always figured we'd hyphenate

Future Mr. Benn: Really?

Babe: Jamie Seguin-Benn... I like it! It's got a nice ring to it.

Stromer: If Davo and I ever get married I'd take his name just so I can troll people. You want to meet McDavid? Psych it's Dylan McDavid!

Matts: Dude, when Mitch and I get married we have like no good options

Mitchy: I know right! Mitch Matthews is a bank manager somewhere and Auston Marner is just terrible

Matts: Not to mention the abomination that is Marner-Matthews

Davo: _When_

Stomer: 

 

Mitchy: Okay but like who's walking down the aisle?

Hubs: Both of us. Separately, with our mums.

Babe: Cute

Future Mr. Benn: Deep _and_ cute

 

Mitchy: Okay but like is Marshall, Cash or Gerry going to be the ring bearer?

Hubs: Dear God don't give him ideas. I think Jordie's going to handle the rings. Tyler didn't trust Brownie

Future Mr. Benn: Mitchy do you just want in on the wedding planning group?

Mitchy: 

Matts: He has a scrap book of ideas. Like not even just on pinterest. A real one.

Stromer: I _must_ see this

Mitchy: You will never see this

 

 

_Future Mr. Benn changed his nickname to Tyler Seguin-Benn_

_Tyler Seguin-Benn shared the photo album 'Wedding of the Century' with the group_

 

Babe: Omg, these are amazing

Barrie: I love that they managed to capture the exact moment you found out the surrogate had given birth to twins

Tyler Seguin-Benn: I know! Way to steal my thunder.

Babe: Erik and Elias are doing great thank you for asking. But like I meant more Tyler hugging the cup at the reception

Kaner: Such a jammy little shit winning the cup in his wedding year

Tyler Seguin-Benn: It was a wedding present from the Hockey Gods

Mr Crosby: Please tell me these aren't _all_ going on Instagram

Toes: I don't think I've ever seen Sid that drunk before

Mr Crosby: Thankfully you never witnessed me post cup-win. That was worse. And I still managed to lose my shoes at the reception but gain a feather boa.

Toes: Although there was the Olympics...

Mr Crosby: We don't talk about Vancouver

Kaner: Tazer knows a thing or two about crazy cup victory parties 

Davo: It was a great night though and you two looked so happy

Mitchy: And in love 

Stromer: Green?

Tyler Seguin-Benn: _Victory_ green

Hubs: Thank you all for being there. And just in case you're wondering we didn't get to keep the cup for the wedding night. Apparently Phil didn't trust Tyler not to defile it

Tyler Seguin-Benn: I definitely would have

Mitchy: You definitely did anyway didn't you?

Davo: Some of us still need to get our hands on that Tyler.

Mr Crosby: They do wash it. Take it from someone who won it the year after Kaner I made sure of that.

Kaner: Hey!

Toes: 2015 was nothing man; that was our third by then. 2010 was messy. So, so messy. And Tyler had it next.

Tyler Seguin-Benn: That cup has seen some things man

Mr Crosby: Never a truer word

G: I hate you all

 

Mitchy: Okay but now that Jamie has made the ho a housewife who is going to help hockey players through their big gay discoveries?

Tyler Seguin-Benn: Why do I always get called a slut?

Mr Crosby: Don't forget it was for the good of hockey

Tyler Seguin-Benn: Does that mean as the only single guy left in the group you'll take over?

Mr Crosby: I'm too old for that shit

Mitchy: #daddy


	3. Operation Fixer Upper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid is the only single member of the group. The boys want to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this turned into a 10k monster chapter.  
> Some updated tags and characters to take note of.  
> Some more foul language, plenty of references to sex, excessive use of Drake lyrics  
> I think that covers it but let me know if there's anything else I should make note of  
> Unbeta'd so there's probably a ton of mistakes

_Tyler Seguin-Benn created the group Operation Fixing Sid's Sad Sex Life_

_Tyler Seguin-Benn set nicknames for the group_

 

 **TSB:** So, post-wedding I realised Sid really _is_ the only single one of us and that's sad. So we need to fix it.

 **G:** Nope, I am not getting involved in this Tyler

 **Babe:** I mean do we actually _know_ that Sid isn't getting laid?

 **Mrs Babe:** He seems like he does alright

 **Mrs Babe:** Fuck you Tyler

**Babe:**

 

_Mrs Babe changed his nickname to Barrie_

 

 **Toes:** I don't think he's a big fan of fucking around though. He's still worried about people selling stories.

 **Kaner:** He's not in this group is he?

 **TSB:** Please. I'm not _that_ much of an idiot

**Kaner:**

**TSB:** Well not these days

 **Mitchy:** Seriously guys how many times do I have to explain facebook to you? Just click on the group title and it tells you the members 

 

_Toes added Jamie Seguin-Benn to the group Operation Fixing Sid's Sad Sex Life_

_Toes changed Jamie Seguin-Benn's nickname to JSB_

_Toes changed the group name to Operation Fix Sid's Sad Love Life_

 

 **Toes:** This is on you now Jamie

 **JSB:** I don't control him man. He's my husband not my child. I told him it was a bad idea but he chose not to listen to me.

 **TSB:** Don't lie Jam this is a great idea. We all love Sid. He's always been there for us. We have all found the guy for us and most of us are married, settled down and all happy and shit. Sid deserves that. We need to make that happen.

 **JSB:** Is it weird that I find that oddly complimentary?

 **Toes:** I think you are blind to his weird by now

 **TSB:** He's into it

 **JSB:** Yup

 

_Babe changed the group name to Operation Fixer Upper_

 

 **Barrie:** Are you making Frozen jokes? Are you mocking my pain Gabriel?

**Mitchy:**

**Stromer:**

**Barrie:** You don't understand the torture of watching that film thirty times in a row! You have this in your futures and I will laugh in the face of your misery. Mark my words.

 **Babe:** But like are we talking about finding him a life partner or a night partner?

 **Babe:** Because I have some ideas on guys who would love to fuck Sid

 **G:** I don't want to hear about it.

 **TSB:** You're like the only one man

 **Kaner:** I don't want to hear it either. I don't need to hear about how fuckable Sidney Crosby is

 **TSB:** So fuckable

 **Toes:** That's not why

 **TSB:** Low key confirming Tazer/Sid totally happened. 2010 right?

 **Kaner:** Come on Jamie, back me up? You don't want to hear about it?

 **TSB:** Kaner confirming doesn't want to hear about Sid's sex life because of past Tazer/Sid!!!! This is just the best.

 **JSB:** If you think Tyler hasn't given me a play by play of fucking Sid you're insane. It's like his proudest achievement.

 **TSB:** After you, and the cups yeah

 **G:** Has he given deets on _all_ of us? Because we were both _really_ drunk and it was one time and that in no way reflects on my normal performance.

 **JSB:** No comment

 **Mitchy:**

**Babe:** Lol, really? I figured he hadn't told you about what went down with us.

 **JSB:** Well, he was a bit vague on you Gabe...

**Babe:**

**JSB:** ???

 **JSB:** Ohhhhhh... I see. So _you're_ the only other one he let... Interesting.

 **Toes:** Oh god

 **Davo:** I feel like something big just happened

 **Stromer:** Urgh, there shouldn't be sub-cliques guys. We're all supposed to be friends. Gay Hockey Club.

 **Matts:** Think it through guys and you'll figure out what they're talking about. And it's not _fucking_ Tyler...

 **TSB:** Jamie! You weren't supposed to bring that up with other people.

 **JSB:** Whoops

 **JSB:** That was at least half Gabe's fault

 **Toes:** Fucker

 **TSB:** Like you haven't discussed that kind of thing with Kaner

 **Toes:** No dude I haven't...

 **Kaner:** YOU TOLD ME YOU NEVER DID THAT

 **Barrie:** Sooo, anyone have any ideas for who Sid's perfect guy is?

 

_Kaner has left the group_

 

 **Toes:**  Sorry. He'll get over it. He's just being a child.

 **JSB:** Shit. Sorry man, I genuinely didn't know that was an issue. I forget Tyler isn't normal when it comes to discussing this kinda thing

 **Toes:**  He doesn't even want to fuck me, he's exclusive and that's his choice. But I never claimed to be an exclusive top. He's just aggressively possessive. I didn't tell him because I _knew_ he would be weird about it.

 **JSB:** So he doesn't know about the olympics then? 

 **Toes:** No. **NO.** Jamie no.

 **Babe:** He'd die if he knew about that.

 **Toes:** How do _you_ know about that?

 **Babe:** You seriously think he didn't tell me? We were roomies.

 **Toes:** Fucker

 **Babe:**  

 **TSB:** What?! There is gossip I don't know. I'm hurt.

 **TSB:** Unless wait, is this related to the fabled threesome Sid totally told me he had once?

 **JSB:** Wait, please tell me you didn't ask Sid to join us? I might cry.

 **Toes:** Relax Jamie, Tyler obviously hooked up with Sid before Sochi

 **JSB:** Why?

 **Toes:** He doesn't know about the second one 

 **TSB:** DUDE 

 **Davo:** So if I'm reading this correctly, Sid and Tazer fucked someone together during the 2010 and 2014 olympics?

 **Mitchy:** Look at Davo with his Sherlock skills. Is he right tho?

 **Stromer:** I'm betting it was _after_ amirite?

 **Mitchy:** Was it someone on the losing team?

 **Stromer:** That's a baller move right there.

 **Mitchy:** World Series attitude, champagne bottle life

 **Davo:** Are you quoting Drake? Why are you quoting Drake?

 **TSB:** You _have_ to tell us who it was. PLEASE. I might die if I don't know.

 **Stromer:** And here I was thinking Crosby was Davo levels of awkward and he's like an actual off-ice _legend_

 **Mitchy:** You are literally having huge amounts of weird sex with Davo why would you think Crosby wouldn't have game?

 **Davo:**  It's not weird

 **Mitchy:** No shame bro. Embrace the weird. We're young. I have 

 **Matts:** Why

 

 **TSB:** Well it had to be a Swede in 2014, we just need to find out who Gabe roomed with. Any ideas?

 **Toes:** Don't tell him Gabe!

**Babe:**

**Stromer:** Wait, OEL was on that team. Give me a sec

 **Davo:** He is literally calling OEL right now

 **Babe:** crying face emojis

 **Toes:** Oh god, why

 **JSB:** What have I done. Sorry.

 **TSB:** Come on Tazer! This is the best thing ever! If this had happened to me I would probably have created a group on here just to tell everyone!  
**Toes:** Some of us have more discretion than that Tyler.

 **TSB:** Why? You should legit be proud man, I'm like proud _of_ you and that's weird because I have no right. But it's like an achievement. Plus it's well hot.

 **Toes:** Please tell me you're not thinking about it.

 **TSB:** It's hard not to.

 **Stromer:**  

 **Barrie:** Why did you send us a clip of you screaming for 18 seconds?

 **Mitchy:** Davo, what is going on? Who was it?

 **Davo:** Stromer hasn't told me. He is just sitting there with his mouth hanging open like an idiot.

 **Davo:**  

 **Davo:**   He just whispered Karlsson, was it Erik Karlsson?

 **Mitchy:** For real?

 **Toes:** No comment

 **Babe:** Yup

 **TSB:** OMG

 **Mitchy:** So who was it in 2010?

 **Toes:**  

 **Mitchy:** Asking for a friend

 **TSB:** Do you know Jamie?

 **JSB:** No comment

 **TSB:** What you won't even tell _me_?

 **TSB:** OMG

 **JSB:** _Tyler_

 **TSB:** I'm not saying anything!

 **Toes:** Oh my god! It was Joe Pavelski okay!

 **Barrie:** Duuuuuuuuuuude

 **Babe:** I thought he was straight?

 **Toes:** He is. Mostly.

 **TSB:** Some guys just want to experiment. There are plenty of NHL players on _that_ list

 **Toes:** We don't need to know

 **Toes:** Can we not tell Sid I told you though. He definitely did not want people to know.

 **Mitchy:** Cool, cool, cool, cool. I can definitely keep that on the DL

 **Stromer:** Yup, no problems. Not like any of us play in the Pacific Division. Not like any of us will have to take face offs against Pavs.

 **TSB:** But like, also, how does Jamie know about this? You obviously told him.

 **Toes:**  After the USA game, Sid got drunk and was waxing poetic about Jamie's goal and then just kind of said he'd been hoping to play USA in the gold medal game so he could get a repeat of his epic gold-medal threesome

 **TSB:** Important question though, were you wearing the medals?

 **Toes:** Obviously

 **TSB:** This is like the best thing ever. Thank you Tazer, you have truly blessed us.

 **Mitchy:** Last name ever, first name greatest

 

 

 **Davo:** Right so now that we've got that sorted, back to the task at hand. What do we even know about what Crosby likes?

 **TSB:** I didn't really think that through.

 **Toes:** Well I mean, he likes golf, fishing and dogs.

 **Toes:** He's versatile, you know

 **Mitchy:** Yes we catch your drift Toes 

 **Davo:** Does he have any hobbies?

 **Barrie:** Hockey is his life. His everything.

 **Babe:** That's precisely why the dude needs to chill out

 **Toes:** He's done some history courses, I know he reads a lot of non-fiction books about history. Like mainly the world wars I think.

 **TSB:** Massive sweet tooth

 **Toes:** He's a pretty low key guy. Like he just likes to hang out in his spare time. He doesn't decompress very well though.

 **Davo:** Are we even sure he wants to be with a hockey player? Might a normal person be better?

 **TSB:** Come on this is Sid we're talking about. He's going to marry a hockey player. No question.

 **Toes:** But then they also have to be good...

 **TSB:** Why?

 **Toes:** Come on, do you think you could handle dating Crosby? And you're _pretty_ good at hockey. Imagine if you were a fourth liner, journey man etc.

 **Babe:** You're describing Tyler.

 **JSB:** No Tyler was totally in awe of him.

 **Babe:** He definitely needs someone more low key than Tyler.

 **TSB:** It's sweet you think I'm that good though.

 **Mitchy:** Know yourself, know your worth

 **Davo:** Please stop

 **Barrie:** Maybe someone not that good would be better though cos like then they don't have to worry about comparing themselves to Sid. Even if they're good they're not Sid so...

 **Babe:** Dude

 **Barrie:** It's chill Gabe, don't worry

 **Stromer:** Plus like Davo's taken so...

 **Mitchy:** Matts too

 **Davo:** How about someone not Canadian?

 **TSB:** No! Never.

 **Babe:** I'm backing the Swedes in this race. Swedes are awesome.

 **Barrie:** Preach it!

 **Babe:** #blessed

 **Stromer:** Are we sure he's not pining over Malkin? For sure?

 **Toes:** Idk man, I don't even know him _that_ well

 **TSB:** We need reinforcements!

 

_Babe added Nathan MacKinnon to the group Operation Fix Sid's Sad Love Life_

_Babe changed his nickname to Nate_

 

 **Nate:** What even. This feels a little pimpy not going to lie...

 **Babe:** It's more matchmakers...

 **TSB:** Ooh MacKinnon, you're not interested in being Sid's one true love are you?

 **Mitchy:** What a love story!

 **Nate:** Seriously, does _everyone_ think I'm in love with Crosby?

 **Barrie:**

**Toes:** Well...

 **JSB:** I mean it kinda looks that way, you know sometimes or like, maybe... Tyler?

 **TSB:** You're not?

 **Nate:** No!

 

_Barrie added Jonathan Drouin to the group Operation..._

_Barrie has changed Jonathan Drouin's nickname to Jo_

 

 **Jo:** Franchement? None of you guys know?

 **Nate:** We've pretty much been together since juniors man, off and on

 **TSB:** Oh, hence why you're not in the other group

 **Nate:** Other group?

 **Barrie:** Long story, but I guess you kind of have to have fucked Tyler to be in that group

 **Nate:** But you haven't...

 **Babe:** Or marry someone who has

 **Nate:** Okay...

 **Jo:** En tout cas, we are trying to set Sid up?

 **Babe:** Yeah and Nate is here for ideas

 **Nate:** I mean it's not really something he talks about with me. He gave me a very serious talk about being gay and being in the NHL so I knew he was. But I always got the impression he wasn't going to settle down until he retires.

 **TSB:** But that's so sad!

 **Nate:** Are we really sure this is a good idea?

 **TSB:** Yes!

 **JSB:** I mean, I'm kinda coming round to the idea. Not just because it was Tyler's idea but like, I was all about the not dating anyone until I retired. I never thought it would be worth the risk of losing hockey and like the distraction it would be from playing my best game. But that all changed when I met Tyler and I realised that it was totally worth it and that he is what makes me happiest. More than hockey.

 **Babe:** More than the cup?

 **JSB:** Yeah. Winning the cup was awesome. Tyler made it better. But losing is always better with him too.

 **TSB:**  

 **JSB:** So I kinda feel like Sid just hasn't met the guy yet who will make everything even better.

 **Toes:** Sid thinks he can't have certain things and at first it was because no one was out and now I think he's just used to denying himself that option. He doesn't like the media being up in his personal life so he just doesn't have a personal life. And lets face it none of us has _dated_ since everyone came out. We all just announced we had partners. And like it would be worse for Sid anyway.

 **Davo:** So we're kind of making the executive decision that we know what's best for him?

 **Mitchy:** No but like _Davo_ , he could be _so_ happy. We all know that and we _know_ the perfect guy for him is totally in the league. We just have to figure out who it is and low key set them up.

 **Stromer:** Mission Impossible: NHL Dating Service

 **Matts:** Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find Sidney Crosby a husband. As always should you or any of your OFU colleagues be caught or killed we will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This message will self-destruct in ten seconds.

 **Mitchy:** Aaaaaannnddd there goes any lingering impression they had that you were cool

 **Davo:** Dork

 **Matts:**  

 **Barrie:** For reals tho, let's talk names, I have three kids who need my attention and Gabe and I are running out of time before someone has a poop related disaster

 **Toes:** I mean he's buddies with Jack Johnson right, they were at Shattuck's together, is that an option Nate?

 **Nate:** Pretty sure stuff happened at school but don't know it that would work now. They're not super close these days.

 **Babe:** So it's a case of who do we know that is gay and available...

 **Matts:** Well I'm pretty sure Willy is like flexible...

 **Mitchy:** He's bi Matts, it's a real thing.

 **Toes:** William Nylander?

 **Matts:** Yeah. He's a good guy.

 **Mitchy:** Not really sure he's looking to settle down any time soon. But he'd definitely be up for a fuck.

 **TSB:** This is why I needed help. Most of the guys on my list are hook ups you know. Like Adam Henrique would be top of the list. I met him through MDZ at one of my parties at the Cape man and he is a quality bro with the best of benefits. But like that guy does not want a ring anytime soon. Or like at all.

 **Babe:** Tyler, do you still have Hallsy's number? He'd be an option right?

 **TSB:** Sid cannot settle down with Hallsy. I won't have it.

 **Toes:** Now who's bitter?

 **JSB:** It's a total no go anyway. Obviously.

 **Toes:** Why?

 **Jo:** He's still hung up over the Ebs and Nuge debacle. No way he's ready for anything serious. Again he would probably be down for a rebound fuck or two.

 **Babe:** There's a couple of the Swedes; Wennberg and Lindholm would be the best bets.

 **Davo:** Isn't Burky an option too?

 **Babe:** I've never actually played with him. He was on the Otters with you two right?

 **Stromer:** Yass! Burky would be soooo down. He's like a little ball of sunshine but in a chill way.

 **G:** Pat and Provs would both be down for hooking up with Crosby but not sure on the settling down front. Maybe not.

 **TSB:**  All we seem to be doing is compiling a list of guys who would fuck Crosby which, like, I'm not sure how he'd take that sort of list

 **Matts:** Chucky?

 **Jo:** _Galchenyuk?_

 **Matts:** No, Matthew Tkachuk. He's not as much of a goon as he seems.

 **Mitchy:** For realsies, good bloke. 10/10 can recommend.

 **Stromer:** Or Chychy?

 **Mitchy:** Those cheekbones man, Sid would _have_ to be into that. You've seen the Hugo Boss thing, right?

 **Matts:** ?

 **Mitchy:** Don't worry, papi. You're still the one that I adore, ain't much out there to have feelings for

 **Davo:** Stop

 **Davo:** What about Brinksy? Tazer, what do you think?

 **Toes:** Kitty? It's an option but again it's the age thing

 **Nate:** Why are you trying to set him up with teenagers? Not sure Sid is going to be on board with the teenagers thing...

 **Toes:** Is this because of the #daddy thing? Is that a thing we know Sid is into? Actually not sure I want to know the answer to that.

 

_Toes added Kaner to the group Operation Fixer Upper_

 

 **Kaner:** What about Sunshine?

 **TSB:** Straight

 **Kaner:** Really?

 **TSB:** I know right! I made that mistake though...

 **Mitchy:** There's a story there...

 **TSB:** This isn't about me.

 **Stromer:** We should definitely start a story time with Tyler Seguin group though. To entertain all us old marrieds.

 **Mitchy:** Stromer I hate to break it to you but you don't really fit in that group...

 **Stromer:** I've been with that idiot since I was 14, I may not have a ring on my finger but to all intents and purposes it's the same thing.

 **Davo:** Point

 **Nate:** I mean are any of these guys husband material though? I'm not comfortable essentially acting as a pimping service for Sid. This was supposed to be about finding him someone to settle down with.

 **TSB:** That boy is made for monogamy.

 **Toes:** Fuck, why isn't there anyone in Pittsburgh for him?

 **G:** Stupid Penguins

 **Nate:** If there was anyone right in Pittsburgh I assume Sid would already be dating them. Sid is not as useless as he seems. He has pretty good game.

 **TSB:** His game is mainly that he's Sidney Crosby and he wants to fuck you

 **Toes:** Works doesn’t it?

 **TSB:** Yup

 **Davo:** So even if we're successful he's going to end up in a long-distance relationship?

 **Toes:** I don't think we've got another option

 **Davo:** We should think about that

 **TSB:** Don't be such a party pooper Davo

 **Davo:** You don't understand though, everyone here, except Nate and Jo, is with someone on their own team. You live in the same city, you practice and play together, your ups and downs are together. You can't understand what it's like to be so far away from your person. To only see them like once a month at best. To have to play against each other. I don't know if we should wish that on Sid.

 **Mitchy:** Shit Davo, that's heavy. Mind in one place, heart in another

 **Davo:** Please stop Marns. No more Drake, I'm trying to be serious.

 **Stromer:** What are you even saying Connor?

 **Matts:** Shit he's calling him Connor...

 **Davo:** It's just hard. I love you and it's worth it. But I can't deny that it would be easier if we were playing for the same team.

 **Nate:** I understand.

 **Jo:** Why do you think there were so many offs in our relationship?

 **Davo:** Sometimes I just wish he was there when I get home after a shitty match. I asked Oiler's management you know.

 **Stromer:** What?

 **Davo:** If they would trade for you. I just miss you and I hate it.

**Stromer:**

**JSB:** Do you think we could engineer a trade?

 **Mitchy:** Woah, Jamie coming in with the big ideas

 **Stromer:** How the hell do we even get someone traded to the Pens?

 **Toes:** Let's face it the answer to that question is Pat Brisson

 **Nate:** I feel like we need an insider's opinion. Like someone who knows him better.

 **Mitchy:** My team good, we don't really need a mascot

 **Davo:** Fuck off

 **Babe:** Does anyone know Taylor?

 **TSB:** Hall?

 **Barrie:** Crosby you idiot

 **Nate:** That is a very bad idea, unless you want Sid to know in about three seconds flat

 **Toes:** What about Flower? He was Sid's closest friend on the Pens and was always up for messing with Sid so might be cool about this whole mess  
****

**TSB:** Not a mess but okay, does anyone know Flower?

 **Toes:** Nope

 **JSB:** Dude, just message Eaks, he'll have Flowers info now surely.

 **TSB:** Of course!

 

_TSB added Cody Eakin to the group Operation Fixer Upper_

_Cody Eakin added Marc-Andre Fleury to the group Operation Fixer Upper_

_TSB changed Marc-Andre Fleury's nickname to Flower_

 

 **Cody Eakin:** With all due respect Segs, I'm sure this would be entertaining af, but I want nothing to do with your devious plots. Peace out!

 

_Cody Eakin has left the group_

 

 **Flower:** Woah

 **TSB:** We need your thoughts. Please help.

 **Toes:** Please don't tell Sid

 **Nate:** If you do, I was not involved

 **Flower:** I can deal, okay, Vero and I have been trying to set him up for years. I couldn't tap into the hockey player market though so this is more promising.

 **TSB:** So?

 **Flower:** Hang on I'm reading back

 **Flower:** Well, some of the guys I don't really know that well to really see if they would be a good fit. You might be better off low key setting him up. That's what I used to do. Like take him out when you play and inviting someone with you.

 **Stromer:** I can do Chychy!

 **Stromer:** Although scratch that I don't really know Crosby well enough, like at all, to just invite him out for dinner. That would be super weird. I don't want Sidney Crosby to think I'm weird. Help.

 **G:** I don't think he'd take it that well if _I_ invited him out to dinner

 **Flower:** Dear god, no Flyers please. Sid has better taste than that

 **G:** Rude

 **TSB:** But like most of the guys on our shortlist don't play on our teams.

 **Flower:** Also like, no to Jack Johnson. They might have fooled around as teenagers but they're definitely not going to get together. He asked Sid for money. That's too much of a mess for Sid. He needs no drama.

 **Kaner:** But could we use Jack as a conduit for Wennberg?

 **Toes:** Not just a pretty face! We can definitely get Saader on the case.

 **Kaner:** I can speak to Bread Man again!

 **Toes:** There's no way he will understand

 **TSB:** Ooh and Flower can you get Staal to take him out with Lindholm?

 **Babe:** I think we've probably exhausted the gay contingent of the Colorado Avalanche I'm afraid. I'm happy to provide my Swedish contacts

 **Toes:** Are we waiting for the season to start again for this or...

 **TSB:** Urgh, that's too long for me to wait!

 **Nate:** It would be super awkward for Jack Johnson to just rock up in Nova Scotia with a couple of teammates who have no reason to be there though.

 **Toes:** So save these plans for the season then?

 **TSB:** Okay

 

WED 17:54PM

 

 **Davo:** We could maybe set up a charity golf tourney and invite the prospective candidates?

 **Stromer:** Yass!

 **Nate:** That's a pretty strong idea actually, like that could actually work

 **Flower:** Nothing like competition to get Sid going either 

 **TSB:** Would it be too obvious if all the other guys in his four are hot, single, gay hockey players?

 **Stromer:** What are the chances we can convince him to come to a nice, friendly road hockey tourney?

 **Davo:** What I'm not good enough for the Stromes?

 **Mitchy:** Started not to give a fuck and stopped fearin' the consequence

 **Davo:** I hate you

 **Stromer:** They were more excited when Mitchy brought Matts last year tho 

**Matts:**

**Davo:**  

 **TSB:** This sounds like the beginning of a plan!

 **Toes:** If only someone had thought of a plan before starting a group like this

 **TSB:** Fucker

 

 

 

WED 2:10 PM

**Toes:**

**Toes:** I mean, you're welcome

 **TSB:** Fuck shit, so now we actually have to organise a charity golf tournament!

 **Toes:** Done, rookie

 **G:** Don't know whether to be offended or flattered 

 **Kaner:** Take it as a compliment. He really wants to win.

 

 **Kaner:** This is what I have to put up with

 **Babe:** Dude that was super quick

 **Toes:** Well someone had to just get on and do something or we'd just get distracted again

 **Kaner:** Don't think I didn't read back up

 **Toes:** Fuck

 **Kaner:** We'll talk about that later

 **JSB:** Out of interest, why did you choose Burakovsky for the first one?

 **Toes:** He fits the criteria, he's not too bad on the eye and Davo reckons they'd be good together

 **TSB:** WTF? Do you have a side convo going on or something?

 **Toes:** Where we talk shit about you? Absolutely. He is the only other one on here with any modicum of maturity

 **Mitchy:** Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people

 **Stromer:** Boy's got you fooled good. I have stories

 **Kaner:** Fucker is just posturing, he is neither mature nor serious. He's just grumpy 5/8ths of his life. It's because he doesn't eat enough sugar.

 **TSB:** Wow Kaner, is he teaching you fractions?

 **Kaner:** Fuck off

 **Stromer:** I can confirm the existence of the side chat though. It's really boring. It's actual planning and details and stuff.

 **Davo:** Did you ask Brinksy though Tazer?

 **Toes:** Sure, it was super weird though. I think he thought I was shopping for a side-boy at first

 **Kaner:**  

 **Davo:** We've got most of the others we mentioned lined up to play as well though so we can observe them interacting in general mingling and see what we think

 **Stromer:** This feels like a science experiment now

 **Nate:** Also, super weird

 **TSB:** Whatever, this is happening now so get on board

 

 

SAT 14:00 PM

 

 **Nate:** Guys, this might actually be working...

 **Matts:** Can confirm getting along well. Definite flirting game from Burt. I'm impressed.

 **Nate:** SID IS BLUSHING

 **Matts:** The laugh man, I thought it was exaggerated

 **Nate:** Sid was looking 

**Kaner:** He's not the only one looking

**Stromer:** Double bogey, what a catch

**Mitchy:** I came here to help Sid and I'm just feeling so attacked right now

 **Matts:** It's not his golf skills I want him for

 **Mitchy:**

**Nate:** We're not even throwing it I swear!

 **Mitchy:** Matts would never curb his own talent to appease anyone. Even Sidney Crosby

 **Barrie:** That's cos he's American though. They don't worship Croz like us

 **Matts:** Mitchy's the only Canadian I worship 

 **Stromer:** Gag, I thought you were supposed to be chill

 **Mitchy:** He's really not

 **Matts:** And whose fault is that?

 **Toes:** No wonder Sid's winning if you guys are all on your phones this much!

 **Kaner:** Bitter much?  
****

**Toes:** G got a _triple_ bogey man

 **G:** Oops

 **Matts:** We assumed you would want us to spy and provide updates

 **TSB:** Keep it up boys, loving it

 **Flower:** No but letting Sid win _should_ have been part of the plan. Winning puts him in a good mood

 

 

 **Stromer:** Jkfslh have you seen the tweet though?

**Mitchy:** If only Sid was on twitter

 **Flower:** It's on his private snap story – with #golfbuddies

 **TSB:** Success!

 **Babe:** Hole in one, plan the wedding now

 **Barrie:** I assume it'll have to be on a golf course?

 **Toes:** Flower, reconnaissance report?

 **Flower:** Sid said quote “Burkie is a good guy” and “the kid has a great drive” but “needs to work on his short game”. Not quite sure what to take from that.

 **Matts:** There was definitely checking out going on

 **Babe:** I chatted with Burkie for a bit and all he talked about was Sid. Not sure if star struck or crushing

 **Barrie:** Why not both?

 **Kaner:** It's not like he hasn't played Sid before

 **TSB:** But _playing_ Sid and _meeting_ Sid are very different things. You wouldn't understand Kaner.

 **Nate:** Pretty sure they exchanged numbers though. May have been under the guise of grabbing a round of golf sometime.

 **Flower:** Bullshit!

 **Matts:** No I can confirm. It was totally awkward with me and Nate stood right there. At that point Burkie was practically preening.

 **Flower:** Holy Shit this might actually work...

 **Stromer:** Davo is a matchmaking God

 **Mitchy:** As well as Hockey God?

 **Matts:** No Davo is Hockey Jesus, Mitch

 **TSB:** Does that make Sid Hockey God?

 **JSB:** What about Gretzky?

 **G:** Hockey Holy Spirit?

 **Toes:** Lets leave the ecumenical debate for another time

 **Stromer:** Davo is also super uncomfortable any time the McJesus stuff comes up

 **Davo:** Fuck you

 **Stromer:** Later

 **Mitchy:** So what next?

 **TSB:** Trade?

 **Toes:** Bit early to jump to trade yet

 **JSB:** Shouldn't we just let it play out for a bit? See if Sid gets in touch with him on his own accord?

 **Flower:** Nate, you will have to monitor this – you're up in Cole for training right?

 **Nate:** Yeah, training starts next week

 **Babe:** So just low key get an idea of where Sid is at

 **TSB:** And let us know obvs

 **Stromer:** Do you know his passcode to check his phone?

 **Nate:** Yeah, he's pretty predictable

 **Toes:** Report back once there's news

 **Babe:** I will totally manipulate the Swede network to see if anyone is in Malmo and can report back to me about Burkie

 **Barrie:** #Swedesforlife

 

MON 18:42PM

 

 **Davo:** So...

    

 

 **JSB:** So this is totally happening then?

 **TSB:** Omg, I can't believe it worked. I am a genius.

 **Babe:** Burkie's language is appalling!

 **Stromer:** Aw, Davo! P.S. You don't know shit cos like I was wheeling you for months before you finally sacked up and asked me out.

 

THUR 16:38PM

 

**Nate:**

**Nate:** Matts, you in?

 **Matts:** Yes!

 **Mitchy:** Kinda rude that he invites Matts and neither me nor Jo

 **Jo:** He doesn't really even know Matts. We've met loads of times.

 **Flower:** It's blatantly just his excuse to invite Burkie though. He has to make out like it's a rematch of their four...

 **Matts:** We could bring Mitch and Jo though for a romantic weekend away, it might set the tone

 **Mitchy:** I live for the nights that I can't remember with the people that I won't forget

 **Davo:** Why are you doing this to us Mitch?

 **Mitchy:** Drake is the OG

 **Jo:** We wouldn't have to play golf would we?

 **Nate:** Nah, you and Mitch can go, like, go-karting or something

 **Mitch:**  

 **TSB:** Wow I feel left out now

 **JSB:** Don't sulk, do you want me to take you to Cabo?

 **TSB:**  

 

MON 19:05PM

 

 **TSB:** How did it go? Don't leave me hanging

 **Davo:** All I know is that Marns sent a string of emojis that suggests it was going well as well as a blurry shot of what looks like a hug

 **Jo:** Nate is still sulking because they lost again and he is the worst golfer of the four of them. Matts is really good.

 **Mitchy:** He really doesn't need anyone inflating his ego.

 **Stromer:** You're the worst at COD Matts

 **Davo:** Worse than me!

 **Mitchy:** You're a shitty lay too and you have a tiny dick

 **Matts:** That's a lie take it back

 **Mitchy:** What you gonna do about it?

 **TSB:** No flirting in the group chat

 **Toes:** And no dick pics either Matthews

 **Davo:** Mitchy's definitely lying anyway. I have had to endure him waxing lyrical about Matts' dick way too many times

**Stromer:**

**Matts:** Why

 **Mitchy:** He's pretty shit at NHL19, even when he plays with himself

 **Stromer:** You're not doing your job as his boyfriend if he's doing that Marns

 **Mitchy:** Wait that sounded wrong

 **Toes:** I think we should probably table our plotting for now and see if anything develops. We said at the start that this was about setting Sid up with someone and we have. Now it's up to them to see if it works out.

 **TSB:** But how will we know?

 **Toes:** You'll just have to wait.

 

 

SAT 17:34PM

 

 **Gabe:** So I have news from my Swedish spies

 

 **TSB:** This is good right, if they're still together now?

 **JSB:** Yes this is good.

 **Nate:** I can't believe this is working

 **Mitchy:** IKR!

 **Flower:** I have been trying for years to find Sid his soulmate and all it takes is the Gay Hockey Club. WTF

 **Mitchy:** I can't really see another squad tryna cross us

 **Davo:** You have a problem

 **Toews:** There's more work to be done though

 **Flower:** Sid just needs prodding

 **Nate:** Well, he seems to be doing pretty well already

 **Flower:** He hasn't told anybody yet though so that means he's not really all in

 **Davo:** Is it the age thing? I mean let's face it we're all dating people pretty much the same age as us. Burky might not really care but I don't know about Sid

 **Flower:**  That is definitely freaking Sid out 

 

 

 

FRI 13:41PM

**Babe:**

**Nate:** Dammit Tazer, do you ever stop?

 **Toes:** Nope, not stopping til Sid admits it. He's too stubborn for his own good and thinks that the hockey world will fall apart if he has a boyfriend

 **Kaner:** Hockey has Davo now as a backup

 **Matts:** Apparently hockey's saviours need Otters

**Mitchy:**

**Stromer:** You got your Knight Matts

 **TSB:** And I got my Grizzlie 

 **JSB:** Gross Segs

 **Flower:** So what's the plan for the Casino night then?

 **Toes:** I was thinking we tell Sid we want to set him up

 **TSB:** What?!

 **Nate:** I think it might be a bit early to reveal the plan man

 **Mitchy:** I really don't want Sid to hate me, please don't let Sid hate me

 **Stromer:** At least you can always move to Arizona and take Matts' nationality

 **Matts:** My mum would love that 

**Mitchy:**

**Toes:**  The point is to see Sid's reaction – whether he admits he's seeing someone or not

 **Flower:** Also warms him up to idea that we might want to set him up...

 **Kaner:** Devious, I like it

 **Babe:** I think you're rubbing off on him Kaner

 **Barrie:** HA

 **Mitchy:** Loooooooooooooool

 

 

SAT 12:21PM

 

 **Stromer:** Can I make a suggestion?

 **Toes:** Sure

 **Stromer:** Well, Matts and I have a side project going cos like Chychy has decided that he really wants to get with Brandon Carlo. He was whining about it the other day and I said he should try to make him jealous because I am a genius obviously.

 **Davo:** Obviously

 **Stromer:** Anyway... the thought is that Toes could sorta set Sid up with Chychy, just casually introducing him... cos Chychy would be cool with the ruse and two birds, one stone right?

 **Toes:** Good plan, I like it. Send me Chychrun's info Dylan and I'll get in touch.

 **Stromer:** Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool

 **Davo:** Also like side projects with Matts? When did this happen?

 **Matts:** It's safe to say the answer to that is it was Mitchy's fault

 **Davo:** Please don't respond with Drake lyrics

 **Mitchy:** If you think imma quit before I die dream on

 **Matts:** I've found it's best to just ignore him. You might think he will run out. He won't.

 **Davo:** I might cry

 

 

SAT 2:37AM

 

 **TSB:** I'm sooooo druuuunmkklkk

 **JSB:** Did Sid admit it though?

 **JSB:** Important question

 **JSB:** Must have answer

 **TSB:** Toes

 **TSB:** Toes

 **TSB:** Toes

 **Babe:** WTF

 **Barrie:** I hate you so much right now

 **JSB:** Whoopsie, think you woke the babies

 **TSB:** Hehehhehhehehehhheee

 **JSB:** But seriously, Tazer?

 **Toes:** Jonny is busy right now, fuck off!

**TSB:**

 

 

SAT 13:41PM

 

 **TSB:** I can't believe no one has told me how if my plan worked

 **Toes:** It's working, has worked, whatever

 **Toes:** I'm so hungover right now, I'm going back to bed. Stromer can fill you in.

 **TSB:** Stromer? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeeeeee

 

_Stromer added Jakob Chychrun to the group Operation Fixer Upper_

_Stromer changed Jakob Chychrun's nickname to Chychy_

 

 **Stromer:** Chychy will fill you in, I have better things to do

 **Davo:** He means me, bye

 **Chychy:** Well Phase 1 of the plan was for Nate to complain to Sid about struggles of relationship. Sid did not bite. Phase 2 was the real move. Jonny was all like “you need to relax and enjoy yourself Sid, wink, wink”. 10 minutes later Jonny just strolls up to Sid with me and pulls a “Have you met Ted” on him. Matts and Stromer had Carly within earshot, it was perfect. I was flirting up a storm, I mean proper A game and Sid looked super uncomfortable. Then I started with the lip biting and dropping a hand to his arm while laughing, you know, the classic “moves” and suddenly Sid just switches and goes and I quote “Sorry Jakob, I don't know what Jon said to you but I'm currently seeing someone”. And I was like “can't blame a guy for trying”. Sid laughed at that so hopefully I'm not excommunicated or anything. So at this point Carly is purple and storms off. I ran after him like something out of a rom com and long story short I got my happy ending.

 **Mitchy:** Eyyyyyyy

 **Flower:** Vero and I had brunch with Sid and he told me.

 **TSB:** Did he tell you it was Burkie?

 **Flower:** Yes!!!

 **Nate:** I think he told me last night as well. But we were both super drunk and I don't really remember.

 **Jo:** You were so wasted you were just stroking my face and telling Sid he deserved to find a face that would make him happy.

 **TSB:** What?

 **Jo:** Sid was also super wasted and slurring his words but I'm pretty sure he said he'd found his happy face

 **TSB:** OMG

 **JSB:** He's only 3 months in. It's going to take a while.

 **Flower:** Sid is like a limpit though, once he attaches himself to something he's all in.

 **TSB:** So what is the next step?

 **Matts:** At what point do we stop interfering?

 **TSB:** What?

 **Matts:** At what point do we just let them be. We don't _know_ that Sid and Burkie are meant to be together. Sid's admitted he is dating someone and told Flower it's Burkie so it's safe to say this isn't just hooking up. So at what point do we just let them be and see if it works out?

 **Nate:** I think he's right Tyler. They're together, we've succeeded at that and now it's up to them.

 **Flower:** I concur.

 **TSB:** Urgh, fine, you _may_ have a point. It was fun while it lasted but Matts has now called time on Operation Fixer Upper and everyone who could disagree is currently getting laid. [Jamie Seguin-Benn](https://www.instagram.com/p/BbRymgzDMjY/?hl=en&taken-by=jamiebenn14) get in me now.

 **JSB:** Couldn't you just have called me like a normal person?

 **JSB:** On my way

 

4 JAN 14:39PM

 

 **Davo:** We've got a problem!

 **Stromer:** Red alert guys this is a big deal....

 **Toes:**?

 **Davo:** Burkie broke up with Sid

 **TSB:** Why?

 **Davo:** Haven't been able to get that much out of him. Stromer's talking to him now.

 **Nate:** Sid's not answering, Flower?

 **Flower:** I'll give it a go.

 **Babe:** Nicke says Burkie's been really tired lately, travelling a lot on his off days and has seemed grumpy.

 **Davo:** Burkie is never grumpy

 **Davo:** He's totally heartbroken. Did we fuck this up?

 **Nate:** It was going so well!

 **Kaner:** Fuck

 **Flower:** Sid said that they just had a big fight because Burkie felt he was always the one making the effort to see Sid and he felt like Sid didn't care as much as he did. Sid in all his stupidity said 'maybe we shouldn't be together if it's making you that unhappy' and Burkie said fine.

 **Toes:** That's nothing

 **Kaner:** We have fights like that all the time

 **Babe:** A night on the couch and an apology ice-cream is all that needs

 **Davo:** Except they can't do that because they'll have had this argument over the phone

 **Babe:** Oh

 **Stromer:** Heads up Davo is about to get angsty about long distance again

 **Davo:** When we have fights like that they go on for days/weeks

 **Stromer:** That's just cos we're super stubborn though not really about the distance

 **Davo:** Still. They would never have had the fight if they lived in the same city

 **Stromer:** Well they would if Sid really isn't as into Burkie as Burkie is into Sid. That kind of imbalance is bad for a relationship.

 **Flower:** I don't think that's the problem. Sid's not had too many relationships and I think he was honestly just thinking out loud but Burkie obviously thought he mean it.

 **Toes:** Does Sid want him back?

 **Flower:** Yes. But also he thinks that Burkie is better off without him so he isn't going to do anything about it.

 **TSB:** Fuck, what an idiot. We can fix this though. This just needs another event. Jonny?

 **JSB:** Charity auction?

 **Babe:** Race night?

 **Barrie:** Country fair?

 **Mitchy:** What about a wedding?

 **Babe:** What?

 **Nate:** For real?

 **Davo:** Nope, you are not allowed to get married just as part of a scheme to set Sid up

 **Toes:** It's a bad idea

 **Kaner:** The power is really going to your head Tazer

 **Davo:** You're so young though

 **Davo:** Too young to get married

 **Mitchy:** That might be what you have convinced yourself and Stromer of but like when you know you know so why wait ages just so everyone else is comfortable with it?

 **Davo:** Matts, please tell me you tried to talk Mitch out of it?

 **Matts:** I asked him.

 **Davo:** What????

 **Matts:** It's not that complicated. I love him.

 **Toes:** But why now? Why not wait until you're older?

 **Matts:** I'm not going to change my mind and stop loving him. Why wait?

 **Mitchy:** Why did you two get married Tazer?

 **Toes:** Well, we were in love and we'd been together for a while and we just wanted to you know take that next step, commit to each other. Make it official.

 **Mitchy:** What part of that comes with an age restriction?

 **Toes:** You're sure?

 **Matts:** We're sure.

 **Babe:** Let's face it the only reason most of us waited so long was because we weren't out so we couldn't. It's different for these two. I'm happy for you boys!

 **Barrie:** #goals

 **Davo:** I just think it's a bad idea. You haven't even been together that long.

 **Mitchy:** Question is will I ever leave him? The answer is no, no, no, no, no, no.

 **Davo:** Be serious for a minute Mitch. This is a big deal.

 **Mitchy:** My mum already tried to talk us out of it.

 **Matts:** It didn't work.

 **Stromer:** I think it's a great idea

 **Davo:** _Stromer?!_

 **Stromer:** Fuck you, I don't have to agree with everything you say. It's different for them. They're both in Toronto.

 **Kaner:** Far be it from me to point out the flaw in this plan amongst all the drama but how soon are you actually planning to get married? As happy as I am for you, does this actually solve our problem?

 **Matts:** Tyler?

 **TSB:** Considering the schedule... All-Star Game? It is in Toronto...

 **Babe:** It's fate

 **Barrie:** It's perfect!

 **Mitchy:** My city too turnt up, I'll take the fine for that!

 **Davo:** I hate you

 **Kaner:** That's soon Tyler, can you pull it off from Dallas?

 **TSB:** I'll be fine. I'm an Ontario boy, it's home turf! Mitchy, I'm going to skype you and we'll get this sorted.

 **Flower:** Kaner does have a point though. Is Sid actually going to bring Burkie as his plus one if he's still stuck in martyr mode?

 **Matts:** Would it be obvious if we just invited Burkie? It gets them in a room together at least.

 **Nate:** With alcohol!

 **Toes:** I could probably squeeze another event it before then. If we could get them back together before the wedding then we could hopefully get Sid to bring Burkie as his plus one... you know bringing it out into the open. I'll get to work.

 

 

SUN 10:31AM

 

 **JSB:** Really Tazer, a calendar shoot?

 **TSB:** Dude it's genius, I love it! Are we going to be naked?

 **Kaner:** Of course Tyler goes straight there!

 **TSB:** Well some of us have been in the Body Issue before.

 **Babe:** Who exactly do you want for this?

 **Barrie:** I'm out! Definitely not putting my fragile ego through being photographed naked anywhere near Gabe, or Tyler!

 **TSB:** Dude, don't say that!

 **Babe:** He's just doing it for the hugs. He's fine.

 **Kaner:** Who have you asked though?

 **Mitchy:** Don't answer that Tazer!

 **Matts:** Plead the 5th!

 **Toes:** Let's not get all twisted about this Kaner, you know I think you're hot, I married you.

 **Kaner:** I'm just interested to see a list of which NHL players you think are hot enough to get in a calendar?

 **Toes:** Well for it to work Burkie and Sid have to be there

 **Kaner:** And?

 **TSB:** I'll take the bullet.Me, Alex Wennberg, William Nylander, Gabe, Tom Wilson, Aaron Ekblad, Roman Josi, Chychy, Davo,

 **Kaner:** You didn't include Jamie?

 **TSB:** I would put Jamie on every month but he would die before posing for a naked calendar!

 **JSB:** You know me so well

 **Chychy:** I don't think I'm famous enough to be on this list

 **TSB:** It's okay, you're hot enough to make the list

 **Davo:** And me?  
****

**TSB:** Some people are into the dorky kid next door thing you've got going on.

**Stromer:**

**TSB:** Plus you've got to think about the mass market appeal.

 **Toes:** No one from Cali though?

 **Kaner:** Why, who do you have your eye on in California?

 **Toes:** Getzlaf

 **TSB:** Jeff Carter

 **Matts:** Sub Jeff Carter for Willy.

 **TSB:** What you're not a fan?

 **Matts:** He's injured and recovering in Sweden so unavailable.

 **Toes:** Also it should probably be only one person per team so we'll have to take Wilson out

 **TSB:** What a shame. The world loses out on that one. Evander Kane then?

 **Toes:** Sure, that works

 **Kaner:** That's only 11

 **TSB:** I was including Tazer as well, obviously

 **Toes:** No

 **TSB:** It was your idea, you have to!

 **Kaner:** Suddenly I'm more on board with this idea

 **Toes:** Fucker

 **JSB:** Will you really be able to convince Sid to pose for a naked calendar?

 **Flower:** No chance

 **Toes:** Well I never said it had to be naked. That was Tyler. We've all done those puppy things so I was thinking more down those lines...

 **TSB:** I do love puppies...

 **JSB:** Tyler is having an existential crisis right now.

 **TSB:** Could it be shirtless with puppies?

 **Toes:** Done

 **Flower:** Do you need my help convincing Sid?

 **Toes:** Nah, he owes me a favour.

 **Flower:** That's a pretty big favour

 **Toes:** Yep

 

 

FRI 16:51PM

 

 **Stromer:** Status update for those of you losers who didn't make the trip

 **Stromer:** Everyone's shirtless and there are puppies everywhere.

 **Stromer:** I cannot see heaven being much better than this

 **Mitchy:** Yes Stromer, with the assist! Proper GTA pride there. Not like grinch pants McDavid.

 **Barrie:** Pics or it didn't happen

 **Stromer:** Davo won't let me take any photos

 **Barrie:** Bummer

 **Mitchy:** Nice of Tazer to do it in Arizona though

 **Stromer:** I know, bring my boy into town

 **Mitchy:** Such a good wingman

 **Matts:** So how is going between Sid and Burkie?

 **Stromer:** Oh yeah, sorry, got off track. Burkie just stood right behind the camera and watched Sid posing. It was really intense. Sid dragged him off outside and when they came back Burkie had the biggest grin ever.

 **Mitchy:** Success!

 **Matts:** Who knew Jonathan Toews was such a master manipulator

 **Kaner:** He's a sneaky fucker

 **Mitchy:** You didn't go watch?

 **Kaner:** I can get the full show without having to haul my ass to freaking Arizona

 **Matts:** Hey

 **Barrie:** It could be worse, you could be left at home by your husband to look after your three kids. Two of whom are sick.

 **Stromer:** All I can say is that this calendar is going to break records.

 **Mitchy:** On a scale of 1-10 how awkward was Davo?

 **Stromer:** It wasn't too bad actually. They gave him the cutest frenchie puppy and he kind of forgot there were cameras there and that he was shirtless so the pictures look good, really good! I think I enjoyed the experience enough for both of us.

 **Mitchy:** So the plan is a go?

 **Stromer:** Full steam ahead

 

28 JAN 09:48AM

 

 **Stromer:** Can't believe I'm gatecrashing the All-Star game for your wedding. This is undignified.

 **Mitchy:** Shut it.

 **Barrie:** I've never been an All-Star

 **Babe:** You're my All-Star

 **Barrie:** We're not having any more babies Gabe

 **TSB:** How about a puppy instead?

 **Babe:** Nah, don't worry, he'll come round on the baby thing. He always does. Something about weddings gets him broody.

 **Barrie:** Literally only happened twice.

 **TSB:** And last time you got two for one

 **Davo:** Nervous Mitchy?

 **Mitchy:** More nervous about the game tbh.

 **Matts:** You'll be fine for both

 **Mitchy:** Sure would be nice to get married after a win though

 **Stromer:** Your wish is Davo's command

 **Davo:** Thought you said I wouldn't be able to skate straight?

 

MON 17:43PM

 

 **Mitchy:** You ain't gotta die to get to heaven

 **Davo:** You just got married, why you spouting Drake lyrics in the GC????

 **Matts:** Let's celebrate with a toast and get lost in tonight

 **Davo:** Not you too

 

MON 03:44AM

 

 **Babe:** I can't believe those two babies are married.

 **Barrie:** So cute

 **Babe:** They never did figure out what they were going to do about the whole name thing

 **TSB:** Most the group are now married!

 **JSB:** Get off your phone loser and come dance with me!

 **Toes:** Speaking of, has anyone seen Mitchy and Matts recently?

 **Kaner:** Do you remember your own wedding?

 **Toes:** Of course I do, jackass

 **Kaner:** Then don't ask and don't go looking for them!

 **Toes:** I need more booze. KANER make me drunker, I wanna

 **Kaner:** Done

 **Stromer:** Group chat is officially closed for the duration of the wedding!! If you need entertaining you can observe a wild Tyler in his natural habitat grinding on a dazed looking Jamie. On your left Captain Serious is giggling into his shots. If you take a look to your right Davo is having a very serious chat with Sid presumably about long-distance relationships rather than either of them paying attention to their long-distance boyfriends. Barrie is 100% asleep on Gabe's lap and Burkie and I are dancing together until our idiots notice. Peace out and see you for brunch tomorrow!

 

 

TUE 15:34PM

 

 **Toes:** Sorry we missed brunch boys.

 **Kaner:** Jonny was sooooooooo drunk

 **Toes:** Anyway, congratulations and apologise to your mom for me Matts

 **Matts:** No apologies needed. She loved you. She thought you were a wonderful dancer 

 **Toes:** Oh god

 **Kaner:**

**Nate:** Well, you missed Sid and Burkie at the brunch!

 **Toes:** How was it?

 **Nate:** Well we all successfully made it through the wedding without them finding out about this group which is a major win

 **Stromer:** Burkie was really cute.

 **Toes:** I think I remember him thanking me last night! For the calendar!

 **Flower:** I have never seen Sid so relaxed and open. I think Burkie really is good for him.

 **TSB:** Burkie was seriously hungover and Sid had that ridiculous look on his face the whole time. The kinda condescendingly fond one.

 **Toes:** The one that says, you are such a fool but you're my fool?

 **TSB:** Yeah, exactly. Jamie has it down.

 **Kaner:** Fucker, don't you even say it!

 **Nate:** So now that everything is back on track do we leave it alone again?

 **TSB:** Last time we did that they broke up for stupid reasons.

 **Davo:** For once, I actually agree with Tyler.

 **TSB:** Hey!

 **Toes:** Is this related to you super serious chat with Sid?

 **Davo:** Yeah. He cares about Burkie a lot. I wouldn't be surprised if he's in love with him. But he can't see a real future with him when they live so far apart. He sought me out to speak to me.

 **Stromer:** I wish he'd asked me about it. I'm the optimistic one of the two of us.

 **Toes:** Did you fuck this up for us Davo?

 **Davo:** I was honest with him

 **Stromer:** So you told him how much you hate long-distance

 **Davo:** I said it sucks long term. There's a reason our relationship is so far behind people like Matts and Mitchy.

 **Stromer:** Fuck you

 **Davo:** I told him it was hard, because it is. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it but I guess he has to take the bad with the good you know. And he has to be willing to endure all the shitty, lonely times. It has to be good enough to be worth it. Just because it is for me and you doesn't mean it is for him.

 **Toes:** Davo you manage to say the nicest things when you're complaining about your relationship

 **Kaner:** Don't start with the 'you don't understand' blah, blah, blah. I'm still hungover and we don't need to rehash old arguments.

 **Davo:** Whatever

 **TSB:** What I'm hearing is that it's trade time

 **Nate:** Please don't Tyler. I really think that's too far.

 **TSB:** Whatever

 

24 FEB 13:52PM

 

 **JSB:** Have you seen?!?!?!

**Nate:** Dammit Tyler I told you not to do it

 **TSB:** It wasn't me, I swear. How would I even! I don't know Brisson

 **Babe:** Did you do this Toews?

 **Toes:** I'm not Pat's only client in this group!

 **Babe:** Yeah but you and Kaner are two of his biggest clients

 **Kaner:** Except Matts

 **Matts:** I am not a bigger client that you two!

 **Mitchy:** Yeah 6 cups to 0!

 **Matts:** Harsh Mitchy

 **Mitchy:** We've got time, papi

 **Flower:** Well there's Sid too...

 **Nate:** It could just be a normal trade right?

 **Flower:** Hags is with Brisson too

 **Babe:** So we're all agreed we had nothing to do with this? Davo?

 **Davo:** Nothing to do with me

 **Nate:** Sid wouldn't do this

 **Flower:** He could have...

 **Nate:** But would he?

 **Flower:** If Hags already wanted a move, maybe. He'd never sell out his own teammate

 **Davo:** Tazer never really denied it was him...

 **Mitchy:** Baller

 **G:** If you've helped the Pens win another Cup I'm going to cry

 **Nate:** Sid just called me. He's suspicious but he thinks Burkie called in the trade. Or that Mario had something to do with it. He did straight up ask me if I knew about it.

 **Flower:** He asked me too!

 **Toes:** At least you didn't have to lie

 **Nate:** He also said they're moving in together and he's really happy. So I think we're safe.

 **Toes:** Mission accomplished.

 **Kaner:** Now we can focus on getting me that cup right?

 **Toes:** Yes sir!

 

 

18 AUG 23:24PM

 

**Toes:**

**Toes:** So Sid knows

 **Nate:** Shit!

 **Stromer:** Oh god, I'm sorry

 **Nate:** Call him Flower, he won't pick up from me

 **Flower:** What makes you think he'll pick up from me?

 **Babe:** You're not a part of the Gay Hockey Club

 **Flower:** True, give me a moment

 **Davo:** That conversation was ages ago. Before the trade.

 **Barrie:** Sid's going to be so mad. I'm never going to play for Canada again. I'll end up in the KHL.

 **Babe:** They can't trade you.

 **Barrie:** They absolutely can Gabriel, I've offended the hockey gods!

 **Babe:** No like literally. I have a no trade clause. For both of us.

 **Barrie:** For both of us?

 **Babe:** Yeah.

**Barrie:**

**Matts:** That should be part of the CBA. No splitting up couples.

 **Mitchy:** Worried?

 **Matts:** Nah, you're too good on my wing

 **TSB:** Is that a euphemism?

 **Kaner:** Now who's reading the dictionary?

 **TSB:** Fuck off Kaner

 **Flower:** I swear you guys have the attention span of a child! I spoke to Sid...

 **TSB:** So Flower, on a scale of 1-10 how mad is Sid right now?

 **Flower:** Definite 10. Like worse than out of the playoffs mad. Worse than time out for concussion mad. Worse that not getting to play in the olympics mad.

 **TSB:** That's all hockey mad though and this isn't hockey

 **Nate:** Don't kid yourself. Everything is hockey for Sid.

 **Flower:** Just give him a bit of time and space and he'll get over it.

 

 

_Jonathan Toews created the group You're Welcome_

_Jonathan Toews set nicknames for the group_

 

 **Marc-Andre:** Jesus, Toews! I said time and space!

 **Toews:** I'm not going to apologise Sid. Because I'm not sorry I did it.

 **Sid:** You can't just mess with people's lives like that.

 **Toews:** You wouldn't listen when I tried to talk to you about it.

 **Tyler:** We just wanted you to be happy!

 **Toews:** Do you really wish we hadn't set you up?

 **Sid:** You raised $1.3m for Hockey Fights Cancer just to set me up with Andre? WTF

 **Toews:** Is that what you're angry about? Unintended consequences and all that. Everyone wins.

 **Kaner:** Says the fucker who won the King Clancy for it!

 **Sid:** The NHL just legitimately gave you an award for messing around in my personal life. I can't even cope. I expect it from Tyler but really Jonny?

 **Toews:** You're welcome. 

 **Tyler:** Yeah, anytime you want to thank us we'll be right here.

 **Andre:** I will say thank you. A little weird, I must admit. I don't really know any of you, except Davo and Stromer. But you know, very flattered to be handpicked by NHL's best to be Sid's boyf. It's an honour.

 **Tyler:** I like this kid. We should keep him.

 **Toews:** Sid?

 **Sid:** Stay out of it

 **Andre:** Just think, they can be like free wedding planners. After all they already planned our relationship

 **Mitchy:** Tyler and I have planned two pretty badass weddings so...

 **Sid:** Don't give them ideas. If you think Tyler won't spring a surprise wedding on you you're very much mistaken.

 **Jamie:** Take your own advice Sid and don't give him any ideas.

 **Sid:** Keep him busy then Jamie?

 **Jamie:** How? He's sneaky. And I can't fuck him 24 hours a day.

 **Tyler:** You could try

 **Dylan:** Burkie's part of the Gay Hockey Club TM now. No take backsies.

 **Connor:** Seconded.

 **Burkie:** Thank you

 **Sid:** Whatever

 **Toews:** What can I say except you're welcome

 **Tyson:** For the sake of my sanity, please, enough with the Disney lyrics!

 **Toews:** I expect a shout out in your wedding speech

 **Sid:** You'll be lucky to be invited

 **Andre:** We might just elope

 **Toews:** Just remember you probably wouldn't have found your happy face if it wasn't for us

 **Sid:** I hate you all so much right now

 **Andre:** Not me though

 **Sid:** No, not you though

 **Nate:** Dibs on best man

 **Marc-Andre:** Noooooooooooo

 **Toews:** I can't believe your first thought was that I did all this to put you off your game!

 **Sid:** It seemed the most reasonable explanation

 **TSB:** More than we just care about you?

 **Sid:** Well I suppose they didn't win the cup so it would have been sad if that had been the reason.

 **Toews:** Harsh, Crosby.

 **Kaner:** Next year

 **Mitchy:** The game ain’t always fair and that’s the thing though. You can play your heart out, everybody don’t get a ring though.

 **Davo:** I hate you

 **Mitchy:** Call me the referee because I be so official

 **Matts:** Started from the bottom now we're here

 **Davo:** They are insufferable

 **Sid:** But don't you see the pattern Davo? Apparently all we need to do to win the cup is get married...

 **Davo:** But who wins if Stromer and I get married?

**Strome:**

 

 


End file.
